I really hate fucking auditions. They are, without any shadow of a doubt, the worst part of directing a play. This past audition disintegrated into such a fiasco, so fast, that it seriously affected my mental health. I had to take a good hard look at myself to get through it and it raised deep ceded questions and doubts. The least of which, like it or not, I had to acknowledge, that anything that produced such a profound seething rage inside me, was something that I should be walking away from. Should I quit theatre?
All things considered I have been fortunate with past auditions. There has been more than one production where I have had the exact number of people auditioning as there were parts in the play - so everything fell into place and it was perfect. Those were the days....
For the most part, however, there is usually someone I have to say no to. I hate it. I dislike it intently. It doesn’t feel right or good. Ever. These are people that I care about; but when I don the Directors hat, I have to make the hard calls and say ‘sorry, no, you didn’t get the part,’ like I am okay with it. I'm not though. A bit of me dies inside every time that happens. Do they know that? Do they care? Of course not. They are too busy feeling like shit because I have ruined their day. They know the reality that they weren’t good enough, that other were better than them, or that physically they weren’t a fit. Friggn judgemental shit. Me without the Directors hat on wants to curl up and die for hurting them, because at the end of the day they are my friend, too.
So that’s another part of my quandary. Am I their friend, or am I their Director? How can I be both? Can they forgive the friend for what the Director does? Are they only nice to me giving me the illusion of friendship, because I am the Director? I am struggling to sort it all out because at the end of the day, theatre is my life and if theatre people are not my real friends, then who are my friends? It’s eating me up inside. Friends don’t tell people what to do like a director does. They all let me boss them around, so maybe I have no friends.
Part of the reason I could deal so effectively with the recent fiasco was that the person was not my friend (yet.) They were a new auditionee. I love new people in the group because it’s an opportunity filled with potential and possibilities. But we had no previous relationship. When the bad behaviour started, which was as soon as they accepted the role, I was able to call it out and draw a line and make it clear that I wouldn’t tolerate it. That was easy. I hadn’t anticipated the fallout to be quite so catastrophic and I had not expected to burst into a furious anger as a result of it.
In my youth I was very volatile and reactive and believed that because I had a thought, that I was entitled to speak it. But having the shit beaten out of you on several occasions by someone you love, destroys every morsel of that entitlement, so I learnt restraint the hard way. These days I am very good at holding my tongue and not speaking my mind. I can exist on a plateau of heightened anxiety quite well for extended periods of time, so to push me beyond that, into a frenzy, requires quite some doing.
This applicant, a virtual stranger, managed it in less than 24 hrs. Had they not quit, I would have dropped them anyway, as it was never going to be any sort of productive working relationship. This whole episode set off numerous alarm bells within me that I was in serious mental health difficulty and in a high risk of danger to myself and others. That doesn’t happen very often. Luckily, these days, when I hear the bells of rage in my head, I also get a calm voice of reason talking me down and leading me to safe place where I can just cry and let go of the pain. Years of therapy in action.
On top of all of that, while wallowing in recovery mode the next day, the vacancy in my cast caused by their departure has created another frickn dilemma. Two dear friends both competing for the role and having to choose between them. It was tearing me apart. I had a vested interest in both of them for different reasons. There has to be a better way than auditions.
Can I set up a panel to choose for me? Can they come in and hand me my cast on a silver platter & say “here you go Claire – it’s all done. Hope you had a nice cup of tea while we sorted that out for you?” Can they? Or do I have to keep ruining people’s day and possibly loose friendships? I have lost my impartiality big time. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I hate it with a passion. It goes against everything I am on the inside. While that may make me a nice person, it also makes me a really shit director, and that pisses me off too, because I always try to be the best I can be at everything I do.
I feel completely lost.
So I did that. I called in others and let them decide on the final spot for me.
I really hate fucking auditions.
